Bulldogs in the Kitchen

A nice thought, University of California at Fresno dietetic students have partnered with student-athletes in a popular program. The idea came from a professor in the Department of Food Science and Nutrition. Dr. Lisa Herzig, a PhD, is also the Director of the Dietetics and Food Administration program. What she found is that student-athletes, as indeed is no doubt true of most college students, had poor eating habits, and were useless (she didn’t say useless, but I think we’re not taking liberties; perhaps ‘strangers’ would be better) in the kitchen.

Baste Bulldogs Baste! Blanch Bulldogs Blanch!

Andy Bennett, the school’s director of strength and conditioning, concurrently wondered whether a lack of nutritional understanding was costing his athletes in performance and stamina. Two parallel universes joined. One result: the “Bulldogs in the Kitchen” Sports Nutrition Playbook. Now that cooking has entered the televised competitive arena, perhaps the favor can be returned – a football “sled” for building sous chef stamina and toughness? Maybe interval training elements integrated with dicing and plating. Just a thought. I’ll be here all week. (Anyone who has read accounts of the major culinary schools will know the comparisons are not far-fetched.)

The article appears in the November edition of Training & Conditioning (training-conditioning.com). A few tips on “Healthy Snacking” right out of the old sports nutrition playbook appear below. Sauté Bulldogs Sauté!

Snacks on the Go

• Fruit-flavored, low-fat Green yogurt with low-fat granola.
• Whole grain pita bread triangles with flavored hummus.
• Fresh fruit paired with peanut butter or nuts.
• Hard-boiled egg paired with a handful of cherry tomatoes

 Quick picks from the vending machine or convenience store

• Packages of baby carrots, broccoli florets or celery sticks
• Pudding cups
• Cereal bars or nutrition bars
• Low-fat or fat-free regular or flavored milks
• 100 percent fruit or vegetable juices

 Survival stashes

• Oatmeal packets with nuts or peanut butter
• Light mircrowave popcorn
• Raisins, dried apricots, and single-serve fruit cups packed in 100 percent fruit juice.
• Shelf-stable protein drinks

Our National Golf Pencil Amnesty Day Show

THAT’S GOLF! SCRIPT SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2013

 

YOUR SHAG BOY WITH A PERSONAL QUESTION.

Can you spot the pencil? The congenial, shag-encrusted confines decorated for the season.

HOW’S MY BREATH? OKAY? GOOD THING THIS IS RADIO. I TREATED MYSELF TO THE FIVE-ONNNNION PLATTER HIS MORNING, MY FAVORITE BREAKFAST SPECIAL. HOPE IT’S NOT A PROBLEM.

THAT’S ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT RADIO.

ANOTHER IS THAT YOU GET TO HEAR FROM INTERESTING, AND OFTEN ERRATIC, PEOPLE – ALSO AT A SAFE DISTANCE.

WELCOME. THANKS FOR FINDING US. WE’RE AN EXCLUSIVE PRESENTATION OF SPORTSRADIO 1300 THE ZONE, AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA COMMUNITY CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER. SPIKES WELCOME.

THIS IS THE 8 O’CLOCK, ALL HANDICAP, SERVICE.

ANOTHER GREAT THING ABOUT RADIO – IN ADDITION TO NOT HAVING TO ENDURE THE HOST’S BREATH – IS THAT IT IS CLOTHING OPTIONAL. FOR THE SAKE OF DECORUM, ALL WE ASK IS THAT WHATEVER IT IS, PLEASE JUST KEEP IT ON FOR THE DURATION OF THE HOUR. WHAT YOU DO DURING THE “GREAT OUTDOORS” IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

OUR ENDEAVOR IS TO ENHANCE OUR APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING OF GOLF, A GAME WIDELY RECOGNIZED FOR BEING:

• SUBVERSIVE,
• SUBSTANTIVE,
• SUBTLE,
• SUBLIME,
• SUBURBAN,
• SUBDUED,
• SUBLIMINATING,
• SUBCULTURAL,
• SUBCUTANEOUS, AND
• OFTEN SUBJECTIVE;
• PLAYED AVIDLY IN SUB-ZERO CLIMES (LIKE OURS, TODAY), AND OFTEN CONTROLLED BY THE SUBCONSCIOUS,
• FILLED WITH SUBTEXTS, AND, REGRETTABLY, OCCASIONAL PERFORMANCES BEST DESCRIBED AS “SUB PAR.”

ALTHOUGH “SUB PAR” SHOULD BE A GOOD THING, RIGHT? IT CERTAINLY WAS FOR WES SHORT, WHO DID HIMSELF PROUD WITH A SUPERLATIVE SUB-PAR PERFORMANCE IN SCOTTSDALE. WES EARNED MEDALIST HONORS IN THE CHAMPIONS TOUR Q-SCHOOL. WE WISH HIM THE BEST OF LUCK FOR WHAT PROMISES TO BE AN EXCITING 20-14 AS A GOLFER OF SEASONING.

THE STUDIO IS DECORATED FOR THE SEASON. TODAY, WE COMMEMORATE “NATIONAL GOLF PENCIL AMNESTY DAY.” GOLF BAGS ACROSS THE NATION ARE OVERTURNED. UNTOLD THOUSANDS OF PERFECTLY USEFUL GOLF PENCILS ARE LIBERATED AND RETURNED TO ACTIVE DUTY. THANKS FOR MAKING US PART OF YOUR CELEBRATION.

IT IS THE SILLY SEASON. WE SHOULD PAUSE TO CONSIDER THE HUMBLE GOLF PENCIL: ACCURATE (OR NOT, DEPENDING UPON THE INDIVIDUAL’S SKILL AND INTENT), ALL-NATURAL, BIODEGRADABLE, A RENEWABLE RESOURCE, LIGHT-WEIGHT, PORTABLE, ERGONOMIC, REQUIRING NO THREE-LANGUAGE MANUAL, OR GUIDE FOR DUMMIES. NOT EVEN PACKING MATERIALS. IT WORKS IN EITHER HAND, AT ANY ANGLE – EVEN UPSIDE DOWN, WITHOUT REQUIRING WARRANTY OR SERVICE CALL, ELECTRICITY, BATTERIES, OR GENERATOR. IT NEITHER STAINS CLOTHES OR REQUIRES A POCKET PROTECTOR, AND ITS USE IS PERMITTED DURING LANDINGS AND TAKE-OFFS. AFFORDABLE, COLLECTIBLE, LINKED IN NO WAY TO CANCER, DIABETES, OR ALZHEIMERS.

HUMBLE GOLF PENCIL, WE SALUTE YOU!

AND, SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE NORTH-WEST OF ENGLAND WITH TIME TO KILL, YOU MIGHT PLAN ON VISITING THE CUMBERLAND PENCIL MUSEUM IN KESWICK. I’VE NOT BEEN, BUT IT GETS VERY GOOD REVIEWS.

THE BIG EXHIBIT AT THE MOMENT IS THE NEW SECRET WORLD WAR 2 PENCIL EXHIBIT.

“Through words, pictures and film the story is told how this fascinating group of people came together through adversity to manufacture and design a secret gadget pencil.’

WOW. AND, IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHETHER GOLF IS REPRESENTED WITHIN THE COLLECTION, I HAVE BAD NEWS. ALAS, ACCORDING TO PENCIL MUSEUM MANAGER ALEX FARTHING, QUOTE:

We have a set of colouring pencils in a 1930’s tin, which were used as diary pencils held to the diaries using silk ribbon, which are only 3-inches long. But we do not have any golf pencils.

MAYBE WE NEED TO TAKE UP A COLLECTION. SHOULD YOU GO, YOU’LL WANT TO LEAVE TIME TO VISIT THE GIFT SHOP. VOTED BY THE BBC AS THE UK’S TOP DESTINATION FOR ‘ODDEST DAY OUT,’ THE CUMBERLAND PENCIL MUSEUM.

“No raucous invasion of a Nation’s sadness at home.”

Business “as usual” in the NFL. Bears and Giants at Wrigley Field, Dec. 29, 1963.

Shirley Povich was one of those scribes who took exception to the NFL playing two days later, on the Sunday following the Kennedy assassination. At half-time on Monday night, I heard University of Phoenix shill Jim Gray mention that the games were well-attended. It sent me to Povich’s withering criticism in the Washington Post of November 26, 1963, one of his finest columns, laid out with the deft, dispassionate and unerring rationale of a prosecutor:

Rozelle, in his decision to go on with the shows, said he was taking comfort in tradition. “The tradition in sports for all is to perform at times of great personal tragedy.”

He said there has been indeed a precedent for that, but mostly it has been in cases of grieving individuals, not as a league practice.

Harvard and Yale, with a tradition that makes a mockery of the ender roots of Rozelle’s league, refute him bluntly, if not by design. For the first time 88 years they suspended Harvard vs. Yale, unaffected by any feeling that the show must go on. That Harvard was the alma mater of President Kennedy may not have been a deciding factor in this tribute to him. Almost all of the other major games of the Nation were also canceled or postponed.

True, there were no telecasts of the NFL games on Sunday, no raucous invasion of a Nation’s sadness at home. But this was the decision of the networks, not of the league. Theirs was the taste to proclaim that this was no day for football carnival.

Even in Las Vegas, the new bastion of show business, there was no official sentiment that the show must go on. On Monday’s day of national mourning, all productions and gambling casinos, were ordered closed. Unlike business as usual in the NFL.

 

Just in time: holiday travel “ice breakers”

“Would you mind switching seats?”

From the Bureau of Travel Statistics:

“During the 6-day Thanksgiving travel period, the number of long-distance trips (to and from a ­destination 50 miles or more away) increases by 54 percent, and during the Christmas/New Year’s Holiday period the number rises by 23 percent, compared to the average number for the remainder of the year.”

UPI:

“AAA, based in Florida, said its Holiday Travel Forecast projects 43.4 million U.S. residents will travel at least 50 miles from home for Thanksgiving.”

 Weather Channel:

“If you are traveling this weekend, Winter Storm Boreas will bring snow and ice to parts of the Southwest and the Southern Plains. Some of this wintry weather may spread as far east as Dallas/Ft. Worth by Sunday.”

Some will nestle into their electronic devices, curl up with Sky Mall, or try and pretend that the person next to them is not happening. But, come on, travel is a chance to engage in democracy, feel the pulse of the nation (you’ll be close enough), or, as my mother often urged us, to “make friends.”

A few “ice breakers” may be all you need to get started. If you’re flying, you’ll certainly have plenty of time to get to know your fellow travelers waiting in line for your full-cavity search, or on the run-way. Have a great holiday, and we’ll look for you in the obligatory “holiday travel snarl” piece on the local news. Try and look aggrieved. Just for us.

                           Ice breakers

“You know they’re watching us, don’t you?

“Can I borrow your phone?”

“Sorry, I just can’t shake this cold.”

“Can we switch seats?”

“Do you like movies?”

“Who cut the cheese?”

“Feel free to catch a few ZZZZs.”

“You only live once, right?”

“Do you smell something burning?”

“I paid for that arm rest.”

“What are you reading?”

“Does this look like head lice?”

“You voted for that #$@!, didn’t you?”

“My thong’s riding up my crack.”

“You won’t believe what happened to me today.”

“The doctor said it could be bird flu, but come on, what do they know?

“Are you Jewish?”

“What’d you pay for your ticket?”

“There’s only one thing left to do. You know what I mean, right?”

“You get any closer and we’re going to have to get engaged. Hahahah.”

“Anyone got change for a twenty?”

“First round’s on me.”

“Seriously, does anyone really think this barf bag will do the job?”

“Can I have your pretzels?”

“Where are you going?”

“That sudoku #$@%’s for losers.”

“What do you know? The witness decided not to testify.”

“You heard the one about why planes don’t have urinals?”

Steerage passengers for Flight 324. Welcome aboard!

Good afternoon. This is Flight 324 to Dallas with continued service to New York’s LaGuardia. We deeply regret any inconvenience. We’ve just about completed decontaminating the cabin in accordance with FAA regulations, and are about ready to begin boarding. And may I just say personally that I can feel the love in the concourse today. I can’t tell you how happy all of us here at Gate C12 look forward to sending you on your way for the holidays. Thank you for flying with us. Even those of you slumming on frequency miles. Don’t worry, we’ve reserved some very special seats for you. Some of you, anyway. Just kidding.

We’ll start boarding arbitrarily by groups and marketing algorithms, including demographic price points, followed either by row or ethnic, cultural, and religious bias. Please feel free at this time to begin crowding towards the front to further delay even the remotest chance for a smooth, orderly boarding process and on-time departure. Who are we kidding, right?

Can we have Red Carpet Advantage Club members for Flight 324 to Dallas at Gate C12? Please show these people proper respect. Make way. They are truly valued customers, paying truly through the nose.

Now welcoming Red Carpet Advantage Club, along with a slightly less enthusiastic welcome for those traveling to Dallas as Elite or Platinum grade passengers with as much carry-on luggage as they can possibly shove or roll forward. Can we next have all Priority Access, Executive, Gold Club, Head Honcho Class, and Four-star passengers for 324 to Dallas at Gate C12? You’re not quite where you want to be yet, are you, career wise? Never mind, at the business class prices you’re paying, we’ve still got your warm towel waiting.

Let’s have all active military in uniform. You are welcome to board Flight 324, starting the ‘bumped’ sweepstakes. Any (so-called) “Premium Class” are welcome, followed by any beautiful people, First Class passengers, the noticeably flatulent, along with all elderly and any of those needing additional time and assistance assured to interminably slow the boarding process for everyone else behind them. Can we also now have all those unable to lift and stow their carry-on luggage in the convenient overhead bins by themselves?

Please, at this time, feel free to keep your boarding pass and identification as inaccessible as possible before the frantic search to present it to the gate attendant at the appropriate moment. Hey, take your time. We’re obviously not going anywhere, and neither are you.

Now boarding any families with small and especially irritable children. Flight 324 to Dallas and New York LaGuardia. Anyone traveling with nothing more than a billfold is also welcome to board at this time.

In a few minutes we’ll begin our general boarding process by groups. After that, any free seats will go to the highest bidder. Please have your Benjamins ready at the appropriate time. Thank you. It’s first come-first served. Maybe you’ve heard about our latest bargaining agreement stalemate. We are human, after all, despite what you may think. We’ll be back with you shortly just as soon as we can move the herd down the jet way. Can we have a prod to Gate C12? Additional prod service requested at C12. Thank you.

Groups 1, 2, 3, thank you for waiting and doing your best to block the entry. Nice job. You are now free to jostle and push your way into some sort of order in preparation for steerage boarding.

Group 4, yes, you. Come on, step on it. Our wealthier patrons have important connections to make and you’re lousing it up AGAIN. Come on, people! Move it! Move! Finally, you losers in Group 5 are welcome to take your chances. What do you expect, huh? Please leave your “alleged” carry-on luggage with the attendant on the jet way. Maybe it’ll be in Dallas, or New York, or…wherever. What do you expect? You’re Group 5. Did you really think you could get away with bringing so much crap? You see the sign. There’s no way all of it can fit. What were you thinking? Let’s go. We’re waiting. Get on board, find a #@$ seat, sit down and shut up.

And thank you for flying with us today. We appreciate your business. Happy holidays! Now boarding all rows for Flight 324.

“Terror so intense I cannot shake it…”

“By the power grab invested in me, I now pronounce this meeting of the fat shot and oh no society adjourned.”

Script That’s Golf!  11/17/13

DATELINE: AUSTIN, TX.

THIS IS THE 8’ O’CLOCK SERVICE FOR THE GOLFING IMPAIRED. SPIKES WELCOME. WE’RE AN EXCLUSIVE PRESENTATION OF SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA COMMUNITY CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER.

THE HOUR’S ENDEAVOR IS TO ENHANCE OUR APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING OF THE GAME OF GOLF, A GAME OF:

• REAPPRAISAL,
• RECOVERY,
• REACQUAINTANCE,
• REEXAMINATION,
• REACTION,
• REEVALUATION,
• REALITY,
• REBIRTH,
• RECOGNITION,
• RECTITUDE,
• RECKONING,

And, WITH LUCK, REWARD AND RECONCILIATION.

IT BEING SUNDAY MORNING, OUR NEW TIME SLOT, WE TYPICALLY OPEN WITH A MESSAGE OF INSPIRATION.

OUR TEXT THIS MORNING COMES FROM MIKE LINDER, A CATHOLIC PRIEST IN CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE. HE’S WRITTEN ON GOLF AND THE SPIRITUAL LIFE. THIS IS FROM HIS BOOK, PLAY IT AS IT LIES, PUBLISHED IN 1996 BY WESTMINSTER JOHN KNOX PRESS.

FATHER MIKE WRITES:

“ON ANY NUMBER OF OCCASIONS, AN AFTERNOON AT THE GOLF COURSE HAS BECOME A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE, ONE THAT I WOULDN’T WISH UPON ANYBODY. THE ROUND USUALLY BEGINS TAMELY ENOUGH, BUT AS IT PROGRESSES, EVERYTHING DETERIORATES AND I FIND THAT I HAVE DUG MYSELF A HOLE THAT THREATENS TO BURY ME. BY THE TIME I HAVE REACHED THIS POINT, MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HAVE BECOME SO EXTREME THAT I CANNOT TRUST EVEN THE SIMPLEST IDEA OR EMOTION. BUT THESE EXTREMES OF THINKING AND FEELING ARE, DURING SOME ROUNDS, MERELY THE SYMPTOMS WHICH I RECOGNIZE AT THE SURFACE. A GREATER PROBLEM LIES MUCH DEEPER WITHIN ME.”

HE CONTINUES:

“I HAD ANOTHER DREADFUL EXPERIENCE RECENTLY, AND AS I THINK ABOUT IT NOW, I BELIEVE THAT I AM ON THE THRESHOLD OF AN IMPORTANT INSIGHT. IT HAS ELUDED ME IN THE PAST, BUT THE MOST RECENT TERROR WAS SO INTENSE THAT I CANNOT SHAKE IT. IT CLINGS TO ME LIKE A SOGGY SWEATSHIRT THAT CAN ONLY BE PEELED, WITH DIFFICULTY, FROM MY SAGGING BODY. SO RATHER THAN STRUGGLING TO GET THE SHIRT OFF, I HAVE DECIDED TO LET IT STAY ON FOR A WHILE. PERHAPS IN GOLF, AS IN THE SPIRITUAL QUEST, MOMENTS OF DESPAIR CAN BECOME OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH, FOR NEW LIFE AND NEW POSSIBILITIES. IF WE ALLOW THE BAD TIMES TO LINGER (RATHER THAN TO SEE WAYS TO MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR), WE MIGHT JUST DISCOVER WHAT THEY CAN TELL US ABOUT OURSELVES.”

(HERE, I’LL BREAK IN, AS WE’LL SKIP AHEAD. YOU NEEDN’T HEAR ABOUT THE INTENSE TERROR, AS IT’S EASILY IMAGINED. WE’VE ALL HAD DAYS LIKE THAT.)

HERE IS FATHER LINDER’S CONCLUSION:

“GOLF IS SPIRITUAL BECAUSE IT DEMANDS THAT A PLAYER REMAIN IN THE PRESENT, AT LEAST IF SHE OR HE WANTS TO ACHIEVE ANY SUCCESS AT ALL. IT TURNS OUT THAT A LIFE WELL LIVED DEMANDS THIS SAME FOCUS ON THE MOMENT. NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE DOING, THE PRESENT IS A MIDDLE PATH WHICH STEERS BETWEEN THE EXTREMES OF THE PAST AND FUTURE. ALL OF US TEND TO VEER OFF TOWARD ONE OR ANOTHER OF THE EXTREMES, AND SOME OF US ARE GOOD AT MOVING TOWARD THE PAST AND FUTURE SIMULTANEOUSLY.

“IF WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT ALL, WE WOULD REALIZE THAT A PREOCCUPATION WITH EITHER THE PAST OR THE FUTURE ROBS US OF THE ENERGY THAT WE NEED IN THE PRESENT. GOLF CAN HELP US TO SEE THIS, BECAUSE THE REWARDS OR PUNISHMENTS FOR STRAYING FROM THE PRESENT ARE SO CLEAR AND SO IMMEDIATE. THUS IT IS FAR EASIER TO SEE HOW REMAINING IN THE PRESENT CAN HELP US. IN ADDITION, THE STAKES ARE RELATIVELY LOW ON THE GOLF COURSE, BUT WE MIGHT DECIDE TO TAKE WHAT WE’VE LEARNED INTO OUR OTHER ENDEAVORS.”

This Week on Celebrity Interval Training

“It’s given me a feeling that in an emergency if we’re all hurt, I can go for help.” Bruce Dern

Actor Bruce Dern, sounding suitably gravelly, excitable and, as ever, a little unnerving, was being interviewed by Terry Gross on NPR’s Fresh Air. I remember him fondly from Hitchcock’s final movie, Family Plot, although there was nothing especially remarkable about his performance, just solid and certainly not ham fisted.He talked passionately and intensely about understatement, his craft, his new movie, Nebraska, his daughter. The following exchange at the very end caught my attention.

Terry Gross:  You’re a marathon runner. Do you still run?

Bruce Dern: Every day.

Gross: How far?

Now I try and get a half-hour but sometimes because I compete at 800 meters and 1500 meters, I don’t have to do as much mileage. So in 20 minutes or 30 minutes I can do a bunch of real fast-slow interval-type training and stay in shape to do what I do. In my life, I think they say I’ve run about 104,000 miles, which is four times around the world. And just to give you an idea of how sick I was. . .

He then describes how he begin running long, insanely long, distances, culminating in a run from Santa Monica to Denver (“Every day, 40 miles a day.”)

“How much did it hurt?” Gross asked. He audibly grumbled. “I didn’t hurt but I realized I was diseased.” They both laughed. He continued:

I’ve run all my life. . . I’ve never felt any endorphins or a runner’s high, or whatever they’re looking for. And I time every damn run I ever take, even if I run to the store, I’ll time [myself]. It’ll take me seven minutes. I’ll try to come back in 6:50. It’s just whatever it is. I try not to time anything else in my life but I do time when I run. And what it’s done for me is it’s given me a feeling that in an emergency and we’re all hurt, I can go for help.

(http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=245181141&m=245230311

Obscure Masters winner Keiser “sleeper” to replace Woods in EA/Tour deal

Sure, we’d hoped the campaign would be recognized but, honestly, I’m the last person to think that a homespun take-it-to-the-people power petition drive would have this kind of impact.

To review, Sports Business Journal recently announced that EA Sports had dropped Eldrick “Tiger” Woods from their PGA Tour game series. It was a brief note. Maybe you missed it.

“EA Sports is parting ways with Tiger Woods for its golf video game, ending one of the gaming industry’s most prominent athlete endorsements after more than 15 years. The company is already developing a golf game for the forthcoming Xbox One and PlayStation 4 without Woods.”

Fans of the “Missouri Mortician,” Herman Keiser, the legendary 1946 Masters champion seized the moment. A grass-roots petition drive sprung up trumpeting (politely) that Herman would make an appropriate standard bearer for the premier electronic golf game. It seemed like a long shot, I’ll admit. And I was on the fence too, for a time. But great news! He’s in the running for serious contention. Climbing up the leader board, you might say, in that sneaky Keiser way.

Not that others aren’t equally deserving. Rory Sabbatini, the frequently camo-clad South African who likes to mix things up is certainly high on anyone’s list. Especially with the Ben Crane option.

But, seriously, what clinched it for me was Red Smith’s sizzling description of Herman Keiser in action. Smith described him as “…the walkingest and waitingist and studyingist guy that ever won a championship” (April 7, 1946).

Wow!

Go ahead and vote for Brett Wetterich. I’m sticking with Herman.

He hits a shot and then ambles down and stares with distaste at his lie and then he walks over some near-by hill and stands gazing unhappily at the flag. Then he comes back, glares at the ball again, lifts a club from his bag and takes a few practice swings. At last he stands over the ball and shifts his feet and waggles his hips and brandishes his club threateningly, and at long length he hits his shot.

Talk about growing the game.

I know. I hear you. You’re saying that’s fine, as far as it goes, but what about someone current, like: D.A. Points, Glen Day or Rod Pampling? I won’t argue the point. Maybe we should just let the TOUR decide. Put it to this and every year’s leading money himself, the commish. Don’t forget the winner of this year’s Chase for the Check. (Who was that again?) So many great stories, it’s hard to keep them all straight.

But don’t try to persuade me. You can vote for your own man. I’m sticking with Herman. You should, too. How about Herman? Hey, EA, the person has spoken.

Greetings from South Austin Christian

Right back at ya!

Live from the shag-encrusted confines

Coming to you live from the part of Austin where keeping it weird has never required any special effort. . .

Script

That’s Golf!

Nov. 10, 2013

SportsTalk AM 1300 The Zone

KVET-AM

Austin, TX

USA

(AND, NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.)

NO, IT WON’T BE LONG UNTIL WE GATHER AGAIN AROUND THE TABLE TO WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS, THE HOLIDAY THAT CELEBRATES TURKEY, “THE OTHER DRY MEAT.”

WELL, MAYBE THAT SHOULDN’T BE THEIR MARKETING SLOGAN.

THIS IS THE 8 0’CLOCK SERVICE. PART OF OUR COMMUNITY SERVICE REQUIREMENT, A PRESENTATION OF SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE, AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA COMMUNITY CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER. ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO COLLECTIVELY SHARE IN THE GAME THAT REMAINS, DESPITE MAN’S BEST EFFORTS, NO LESS:

• UNYIELDING,
• UNFAIR,
• UNRELENTING
• UNCOMPROMISING,
• UNCERTAIN,
• UNFORGIVING
• UNBELIEVABLE
• UNORTHODOX
• UNPREDICTABLE
• UNDER-HANDED
• UNCOOPERATIVE,
• UNJUST,
• UNKIND,
• UNENDURABLE
• UNREASONABLE…

AND ANY NUMBER OF EXPLETIVES THAT FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS LAW PRECLUDES ME FROM REPEATING, BUT THAT CAN COMMONLY BE HEARD ON FAIRWAYS FAR AND NEAR.

WE’RE COMING TO YOU ABSOLUTELY LIVE FROM THE PART OF SOUTH AUSTIN WHERE KEEPING IT WEIRD HAS NEVER REQUIRED ANY SPECIAL EFFORT. THIS IS, HE SAYS, IMMODESTLY, THE LONGEST-RUNNING GOLF RADIO SHOW IN TEXAS.

THE ENDEAVOR REMAINS TO ENHANCE OUR APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING OF GOLF.

IT WAS SHAKESPEARE HIMSELF WHO PENNED THESE WORDS IN JULIUS CAESAR, ACT FIVE, SCENE 1: “GOOD WORDS ARE BETTER THAN BAD STROKES.” THERE’S A BUNCH OF ALLEGED GOLF REFERENCES IN SHAKESPEARE’S PLAYS. I HAVE MY DOUBTS.

OUR FIRST INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE THIS MORNING COMES FROM GARY PLAYER. HIS BOOK, “THE GOLFER’S GUIDE TO THE MEANING OF LIFE,” LESSONS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY LIFE ON THE LINKS.

TURN WITH ME TO LESSON 8, VERSE 6, THIS INSIGHT ON LAUGHTER. WRITETH THE BLACK KNIGHT:

“THERE IS NO OTHER SPORT THAT GIVES US SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO LAUGH WITH OUR FRIENDS. THE GAME CAN BE SO ABSURD AT TIMES THAT LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS US FROM GOING INSANE. ONE OF THE FINEST SOUNDS IN GOLF IS ENCOUNTERED WHEN WE ENTER THE GRILLROOM AFTER A ROUND. WHAT WE INEVITABLY HEAR IS THE SOUND OF MEN LAUGHING TOGETHER AT THE FOIBLES OF THE ROUND JUST ENDED. THE LAUGHTER REMINDS US THAT NO MATTER HOW SOLITARY OUR PURSUIT, WE ARE NEVER TRULY ALONE IN OUR FRUSTRATION.” END QUOTE.

PLEASE BE SEATED. THOSE OF YOU IN THE BACK ARE INVITED TO JOIN US. PLENTY OF SEATS UP FRONT.