Steerage passengers for Flight 324. Welcome aboard!

by Al Pastor

Good afternoon. This is Flight 324 to Dallas with continued service to New York’s LaGuardia. We deeply regret any inconvenience. We’ve just about completed decontaminating the cabin in accordance with FAA regulations, and are about ready to begin boarding. And may I just say personally that I can feel the love in the concourse today. I can’t tell you how happy all of us here at Gate C12 look forward to sending you on your way for the holidays. Thank you for flying with us. Even those of you slumming on frequency miles. Don’t worry, we’ve reserved some very special seats for you. Some of you, anyway. Just kidding.

We’ll start boarding arbitrarily by groups and marketing algorithms, including demographic price points, followed either by row or ethnic, cultural, and religious bias. Please feel free at this time to begin crowding towards the front to further delay even the remotest chance for a smooth, orderly boarding process and on-time departure. Who are we kidding, right?

Can we have Red Carpet Advantage Club members for Flight 324 to Dallas at Gate C12? Please show these people proper respect. Make way. They are truly valued customers, paying truly through the nose.

Now welcoming Red Carpet Advantage Club, along with a slightly less enthusiastic welcome for those traveling to Dallas as Elite or Platinum grade passengers with as much carry-on luggage as they can possibly shove or roll forward. Can we next have all Priority Access, Executive, Gold Club, Head Honcho Class, and Four-star passengers for 324 to Dallas at Gate C12? You’re not quite where you want to be yet, are you, career wise? Never mind, at the business class prices you’re paying, we’ve still got your warm towel waiting.

Let’s have all active military in uniform. You are welcome to board Flight 324, starting the ‘bumped’ sweepstakes. Any (so-called) “Premium Class” are welcome, followed by any beautiful people, First Class passengers, the noticeably flatulent, along with all elderly and any of those needing additional time and assistance assured to interminably slow the boarding process for everyone else behind them. Can we also now have all those unable to lift and stow their carry-on luggage in the convenient overhead bins by themselves?

Please, at this time, feel free to keep your boarding pass and identification as inaccessible as possible before the frantic search to present it to the gate attendant at the appropriate moment. Hey, take your time. We’re obviously not going anywhere, and neither are you.

Now boarding any families with small and especially irritable children. Flight 324 to Dallas and New York LaGuardia. Anyone traveling with nothing more than a billfold is also welcome to board at this time.

In a few minutes we’ll begin our general boarding process by groups. After that, any free seats will go to the highest bidder. Please have your Benjamins ready at the appropriate time. Thank you. It’s first come-first served. Maybe you’ve heard about our latest bargaining agreement stalemate. We are human, after all, despite what you may think. We’ll be back with you shortly just as soon as we can move the herd down the jet way. Can we have a prod to Gate C12? Additional prod service requested at C12. Thank you.

Groups 1, 2, 3, thank you for waiting and doing your best to block the entry. Nice job. You are now free to jostle and push your way into some sort of order in preparation for steerage boarding.

Group 4, yes, you. Come on, step on it. Our wealthier patrons have important connections to make and you’re lousing it up AGAIN. Come on, people! Move it! Move! Finally, you losers in Group 5 are welcome to take your chances. What do you expect, huh? Please leave your “alleged” carry-on luggage with the attendant on the jet way. Maybe it’ll be in Dallas, or New York, or…wherever. What do you expect? You’re Group 5. Did you really think you could get away with bringing so much crap? You see the sign. There’s no way all of it can fit. What were you thinking? Let’s go. We’re waiting. Get on board, find a #@$ seat, sit down and shut up.

And thank you for flying with us today. We appreciate your business. Happy holidays! Now boarding all rows for Flight 324.