Golf Filibuster

The modest setting for golf's first filibuster. Inside the congenial shag-encrusted confines.

The modest setting for golf’s first filibuster. Inside the congenial shag-encrusted confines.

SCRIPT

That’s Golf!

SportsTalk AM 1300 The Zone (KVET-AM)

Austin, TX

Sunday, October 13, 2013

8-9 CDT

(NOAA SEVERE WEATHER UPDATE…)

THANK YOU, MR. SPEAKER.

I’D LIKE TO THANK THE GENTLEMAN FROM MARBLE FALLS FOR YIELDING HIS TIME. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO ALERT THE CHAIR. I COME BEFORE YOU AT THIS EARLY, RAINY HOUR ON BEHALF OF WHAT I CONSIDER THE ULTIMATE CAUSE THREATENING OUR GAME. A CAUSE FOR WHICH REQUIRES A DETERMINED RESPONSE. I WANT AMERICA TO KNOW THAT THERE’S AT LEAST ONE GOLFER WHO IS WILLING TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED TO DEFEND OUR RIGHT TO A CONSIDERATE PACE OF PLAY, PARTICULARLY ON THE WEEKENDS.

AND I WANT BOTH OF YOU HERE IN THE SHAG-ENCRUSTED CHAMBERS (INCLUDING THE JANITORIAL STAFF), AND ANY WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE TO KNOW THAT I AM PREPARED TO SPEAK INDEFINITELY. I HAVE LOCKED MYSELF INSIDE THE CHAMBERS. I’M SURROUNDED BY MOUTH-WATERING AND DELICIOUS, HEALTHY SNACKS.

I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR ABOUT THIS. I WILL NOT YIELD THIS MICROPHONE UNTIL AMERICA MAKES THE COMMITMENT TO A FOUR-HOUR WEEKEND ROUND OF GOLF. (OKAY, MAYBE 4:10.)

AND I CALL ON EACH OF YOU TO JOIN ME BY SIGNING THE “PICK IT UP AMERICA” PLEDGE.

I PROMISE YOU, MR., MRS., MISS AND OTHERS, THAT I WILL NOT YIELD THIS MICROPHONE UNTIL AMERICA AGAIN COMMITS TO GREATNESS…OR UNTIL 8:59 AND 30 SECONDS – WHICHEVER COMES FIRST. AND UNLIKE THE JUNIOR SENATOR FROM THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS, I PROMISE YOU THAT I WILL NOT EXTEMPORANEOUSLY RECITE PASSAGES FROM DOCTOR SEUSS BOOKS, DOCTORED FOR CONVENIENCE.

(ALTHOUGH IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT THE DELIRIUM WILL CAUSE ME TO OCCASIONALLY BREAK INTO VERSE.)

THIS IS YOUR SCRIBE AND SHAG BOY REMINDING YOU TO ASK NOT WHAT THE GROUP AHEAD CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT ASK WHAT YOUR GROUP CAN DO FOR THOSE PLAYING BEHIND! ….

 

"Old" Tom Watson maintaining a brisk pace en route to the sixth tee during a Masters practice round. Shortly thereafter he ate a banana.

“Old” Tom Watson maintaining a brisk pace en route to the sixth tee during a Masters practice round. Shortly thereafter he ate a banana.

I COULD SUGGEST  THAT AMERICA TAKE ONE LESS PRACTICE SWING (THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT ALONE!), AND PULL THE CART ALL THE WAY AROUND THE GREEN BEFORE WALKING BACK TO YOUR BALL. BUT I REALIZE SOME OF YOU WILL CONSTRUE THAT AS A FORM OF VIRULENT NANNY-STATE, LIBERAL INTERVENTION. (FIRST, THEY MAKE YOU PULL THE CART ALL THE WAY ROUND. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY’LL BE COMING FOR MY MULLIGANS!!!) RELAX, MEMBERS OF THE TEE PARTY (T-E-E). . .

WHY DON’T WE GO TO THE MAILBAG AND SEE WHAT’S ON THE MINDS OF THE CONSTITUENTS….I MEAN, LISTENERS? BEEN AWHILE SINCE WE OPENED THE OLD THAT’S GOLF! MAILBAG….

I BELIEVE THIS LETTER HAS BEEN CLEARED BY SECURITY.

(SOUND OF RIPPING OPEN ENVELOPE.)

IT COMES FROM C.T. IN ROUND ROCK.

DEAR SHAG BOY…..PAUSE

(NO, I DON’T THINK WE’LL BE READING THAT LETTER.) THANK YOU, C.T. SAVE IT FOR COACH BROWN.

HERE’S ANOTHER LETTER:

DEAR JAMES [HMM FORMAL],

AS A VALUED CUSTOMER, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO REDUCE YOUR MONTHLY PAYMENT IF YOU QUALIFY FOR REFINANCING.

NEVER MIND!

[And, HERE’S AN ACTUAL E-MAIL FROM ONE OF OUR TWO REGULAR LISTENERS. The name’s been withheld to prevent needless embarrassment.]

From: REDACTED
Date: Sun, Oct 13, 2013 at 11:00 AM
Subject: That’s Golf <jimmyapfel@gmail.com>

Dear Mr. Apfelbaum,

I have been in full-fledged panic mode for the past two Saturday mornings trying to find out what happened to your golf show.  I guess the other guy who usually listens wasn’t paying too close attention and didn’t share the information.  I finally emailed Jon Medani who told me that the show has moved to Sunday mornings from 8 to 9 am.  What a relief.

Your show has to be the finest one hour of radio broadcasting (not just sports radio which is pretty lacking here in Austin – but all of radio including KUT/NPR) on each week here in Austin.  You present your material in an organized and tidy manner, leaving some things to chance, but overall investing in deeps thoughts punctuated by well crafted commentary and cultivated humor.  The segments with Bryan Gathright are always spot on to the daily conditions or the seasonal demands of golf.

I cringe each week when you say there are only two of us out there listening each week. My 11 year old daughter and I listen together often, and my only request would be to include a bit of news or information about our fine juniors and junior golf each week here in Austin.  Everything from US Kids and STPGA junior golf to high school competitive tournaments deserves a mention, and perhaps from time to time an expert to talk directly to the junior golfer and the unique position they enjoy in this great game.  I think you would find the response favorable and I would be glad to help you find local material suitable for your standards.

So, we will shift our weekly routine and instead of catching That’s Golf on our way to Saturday golf tournaments, we will catch you on the way into church.  What a fitting lead into Sunday School – a reverent meeting at the tabernacle of the tee box before entering the sanctuary of the most high.

Best wishes as always.

[NAME WITHHELD]

Made my day, I don’t mind telling you, particularly after three guests cancelled, one just minutes to air.

 

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