That’s Golf! I’m here to tell you edition
by Al Pastor
That’s Golf! SportsTalk AM 1300 The Zone, Austin, TX Script for March 30, 2014
HERE’S A THOUGHT: “THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME WHEN THE CORDS OF CONCENTRATION ARE MOST APT TO SNAP IS WHEN EVERYTHING IS GOING SMOOTHLY.”
I’LL REPEAT THAT.
I WONDER IF BOB JONES WAS TALKING ABOUT GOLF, OR OTHER MATTERS.
JUST A LITTLE MORSEL TO SNACK ON AS WE GET SET TO TURN TO HOUSTON AND THEN ONTO GEORGIA FOR THE FIRST MAJOR OF THE YEAR.
YOUR HOST & FEARLESS LEADER FOR THE NEXT HOUR: NOT EXACTLY THE BOSS WITH THE HOT SAUCE. NOR COULD I BE CONFUSED WITH PUTTING THE LABEL ON THE TABLE. NO, IT’S MORE LIKE OPENING UP ANOTHER CAN OF VERBAL GOLF SPAM. I AM PLEASED TO WELCOME YOU BACK, VICARIOUSLY, INTO THE SHAG-ENCRUSTED CONFINES. FOR THE RECORD, MY WEARABLE TECHNOLOGY INCLUDES AN ELASTIC WAIST BAND AND A SHIRT WITH SLEEVES.
WE’RE LIVE BECAUSE IT BEATS THE ALTERNATIVE. WELCOME AGAIN TO THAT’S GOLF! THE EXCLAMATION POINT IS OPTIONAL. IT’S EARLY. IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A SHOW TO HELP YOU WITH THE SEX TALK WITH YOUR CHILD, THIS IS NOT IT. NOR IS IT THE PLACE TO TURN FOR FINANCIAL ADVICE. YOU MIGHT STEER CLEAR OF ANYONE WITH A DEEP SUNTAN AND A ONE-IRON. THAT’S ABOUT THE EXTENT OF THE ADVICE FROM ME.
INSTEAD WE TURN TO REAL EXPERTS, NOT JUST THOSE THAT PROFESS TO PLAY ONE ON THE RADIO. AND, WHILE WE DO TEND TO AVOID ANYTHING OF A POLITICAL NATURE HERE ON THE ZONE, I DO ENDORSE SOME SEX MARRIAGE.
OUR ENDEAVOR IS TO ENHANCE OUR APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING OF GOLF. WE DO THAT IN ANY NUMBER OF DECIDEDLY LOW-TECH WAYS.
HERE’S A HEADLINE YOU MIGHT SEE ONCE EVERY FIVE-HUNDRED YEARS. IT APPEARED IN A RECENT EDITION OF THE DAILY MAIL. QUOTE:
We must open our doors to women, says Royal & Ancient: Golf’s governing body tells male members of St Andrews they should accept change is inevitable.
YOU CAN HEAR THE GRUMBLING.
THE ARTICLE BEGINS WITH THIS BOMBASTIC LEDE: QUOTE: The hugely powerful Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews, which also serves as the sport’s governing body, has written to all 2,500 of its current members recommending they agree to allow women to join.
I HOPE YOU’RE SITTING DOWN. THAT’S RIGHT: WOMEN. THEY WEAR PANTY HOSE AND PERFUME – ALTHOUGH, COME TO THINK OF IT – THAT DOESN’T ENTIRELY EXCLUDE THE MALE AUDIENCE, AT LEAST SOUTH OF THE RIVER.
THE ARTICLE CONTINUES: “St Andrews has repeatedly resisted mounting political and commercial pressure to overhaul the admissions policy at its clubhouse, which overlooks the 18th green of the Old Course – the spiritual home of golf. In an extraordinary ABOUT-face, Wilson Sibbet, chairman of the club’s influential General Committee, has written to members with a clear message that they should accept the change as inevitable. ‘It is of course for members to decide,” HE WRITES, “if they wish to alter the rules of the club to give effect to this change of policy.” END QUOTE.
THE PROBLEM, OR AT LEAST ONE OF THEM, IS THAT THE OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP IS HELD AT PLACES LIKE MUIRFIELD, WITH A MALE-ONLY POLICY. FRANKLY, I’M MORE INTERESTED IN THE SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE MOVEMENT, AND WHAT IT MIGHT MEAN FOR FREEING UP TEE TIMES AT THE OLD COURSE FOR THOSE NATIONS (OR “REPUBLICS” – HINT, HINT) THAT REMAIN FRIENDLY DIPLOMATIC TIES WITH THE SCOTS.
STAY TUNED. I DIDN’T MEAN TO ALARM YOU AT THIS EARLY HOUR. WOMEN IN THE R&A CLUBHOUSE? WHAT NEXT? THEY’VE GOT THE RIGHT TO VOTE AND DRIVE A CAR. I’M KIDDING OF COURSE. I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIG SUPPORTER OF WOMEN’S SUFFRAGE.
OF COURSE WHAT THIS ALL BOILS DOWN TO IS MONEY. SPONSORS GET SWEATY PALMS WHEN HALF OF THE BUYING PUBLIC IS EXCLUDED.
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEXT STORY. AND, FOR ALL THE RIGHT CORPORATE REASONS – BY WHICH I MEAN ALL THE WRONG REASONS – (ANOTHER MUCH-SMALLER AGGRIEVED MINORITY), THE HUMBLE GOLF SCRIBE HAS BEEN YANKED FROM VOTING FOR GOLF’S HALL OF FAME.
THEY’RE GOING EXCLUSIVELY WITH “ADMINISTRATORS” AND THOSE ALREADY VOTED IN. BY COMPARISON, OF COURSE, THE MOST HERALDED SPORT HALLS OF FAME – COOPERSTOWN AND CANTON – RELY ON THE EXPERTISE OF THOSE WHO PROFESSIONALLY COVER AND REPORT ON THEIR SPORT. NUFF SAID. GOLF, SADLY – OR AT LEAST THIS ONE CORPORATE ARM – HAS DECIDED TO GO IN ANOTHER DIRECTION.
The chief operating officer of the World Golf Hall of Fame — “THE CHIEF” SAYS: EXCLUDING THE SCRIBES “…puts the decision-making of who gets into the Hall of Fame in the right hands — individuals who know the history of the game, have a passion for the game, who know the players, who understand the qualities that make up a Hall of Famer.” BULL. GET THAT MAN A SHOVEL.
I’M HERE TO TELL YOU: THE ENSHRINEMENT PROCESS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY CHEAPENED. BAD IDEA. THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. KEEP LOWERING THE STANDARDS. A BAD, BAD IDEA CHASING OFF THE SCRIBES. AND, NO, IF YOU’RE WONDERING – I’M NOT A VOTER.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SAME PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO CHARGE MORE TO ALLOW WELL-HEELED PATRONS A BETTER VANTAGE PLACE INSIDE THE PGA TOUR ROPES – BASICALLY, A DISASTER. THE SAME PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THE ‘CHASE FOR THE CHECK’ WAS EXCITING.
AMAZING, WHEN YOU THINK OF IT, THAT GOLF HAS STILL MANAGED TO SURVIVE AT ALL DESPITE MAN’S BEST ATTEMPTS TO MONOPOLIZE AND MONOTIZE IT….END OF EDITORIAL. PRINTED COPIES NOT AVAILABLE.