Our National Golf Pencil Amnesty Day Show

by Al Pastor

THAT’S GOLF! SCRIPT SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2013

 

YOUR SHAG BOY WITH A PERSONAL QUESTION.

can you spot the pencil? The congenial, shag-encrusted confines decorated for the season.

Can you spot the pencil? The congenial, shag-encrusted confines decorated for the season.

HOW’S MY BREATH? OKAY? GOOD THING THIS IS RADIO. I TREATED MYSELF TO THE FIVE-ONNNNION PLATTER HIS MORNING, MY FAVORITE BREAKFAST SPECIAL. HOPE IT’S NOT A PROBLEM.

THAT’S ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT RADIO.

ANOTHER IS THAT YOU GET TO HEAR FROM INTERESTING, AND OFTEN ERRATIC, PEOPLE – ALSO AT A SAFE DISTANCE.

WELCOME. THANKS FOR FINDING US. WE’RE AN EXCLUSIVE PRESENTATION OF SPORTSRADIO 1300 THE ZONE, AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA COMMUNITY CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER. SPIKES WELCOME.

THIS IS THE 8 O’CLOCK, ALL HANDICAP, SERVICE.

ANOTHER GREAT THING ABOUT RADIO – IN ADDITION TO NOT HAVING TO ENDURE THE HOST’S BREATH – IS THAT IT IS CLOTHING OPTIONAL. FOR THE SAKE OF DECORUM, ALL WE ASK IS THAT WHATEVER IT IS, PLEASE JUST KEEP IT ON FOR THE DURATION OF THE HOUR. WHAT YOU DO DURING THE “GREAT OUTDOORS” IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

OUR ENDEAVOR IS TO ENHANCE OUR APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING OF GOLF, A GAME WIDELY RECOGNIZED FOR BEING:

  • SUBVERSIVE,
  • SUBSTANTIVE,
  • SUBTLE,
  • SUBLIME,
  • SUBURBAN,
  • SUBDUED,
  • SUBLIMINATING,
  • SUBCULTURAL,
  • SUBCUTANEOUS, AND
  • OFTEN SUBJECTIVE;
  • PLAYED AVIDLY IN SUB-ZERO CLIMES (LIKE OURS, TODAY), AND OFTEN CONTROLLED BY THE SUBCONSCIOUS,
  • FILLED WITH SUBTEXTS, AND, REGRETTABLY, OCCASIONAL PERFORMANCES BEST DESCRIBED AS “SUB PAR.”

ALTHOUGH “SUB PAR” SHOULD BE A GOOD THING, RIGHT? IT CERTAINLY WAS FOR WES SHORT, WHO DID HIMSELF PROUD WITH A SUPERLATIVE SUB-PAR PERFORMANCE IN SCOTTSDALE. WES EARNED MEDALIST HONORS IN THE CHAMPIONS TOUR Q-SCHOOL. WE WISH HIM THE BEST OF LUCK FOR WHAT PROMISES TO BE AN EXCITING 20-14 AS A GOLFER OF SEASONING.

THE STUDIO IS DECORATED FOR THE SEASON. TODAY, WE COMMEMORATE “NATIONAL GOLF PENCIL AMNESTY DAY.” GOLF BAGS ACROSS THE NATION ARE OVERTURNED. UNTOLD THOUSANDS OF PERFECTLY USEFUL GOLF PENCILS ARE LIBERATED AND RETURNED TO ACTIVE DUTY. THANKS FOR MAKING US PART OF YOUR CELEBRATION.

IT IS THE SILLY SEASON. WE SHOULD PAUSE TO CONSIDER THE HUMBLE GOLF PENCIL: ACCURATE (OR NOT, DEPENDING UPON THE INDIVIDUAL’S SKILL AND INTENT), ALL-NATURAL, BIODEGRADABLE, A RENEWABLE RESOURCE, LIGHT-WEIGHT, PORTABLE, ERGONOMIC, REQUIRING NO THREE-LANGUAGE MANUAL, OR GUIDE FOR DUMMIES. NOT EVEN PACKING MATERIALS. IT WORKS IN EITHER HAND, AT ANY ANGLE – EVEN UPSIDE DOWN, WITHOUT REQUIRING WARRANTY OR SERVICE CALL, ELECTRICITY, BATTERIES, OR GENERATOR. IT NEITHER STAINS CLOTHES OR REQUIRES A POCKET PROTECTOR, AND ITS USE IS PERMITTED DURING LANDINGS AND TAKE-OFFS. AFFORDABLE, COLLECTIBLE, LINKED IN NO WAY TO CANCER, DIABETES, OR ALZHEIMERS.

HUMBLE GOLF PENCIL, WE SALUTE YOU!

AND, SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE NORTH-WEST OF ENGLAND WITH TIME TO KILL, YOU MIGHT PLAN ON VISITING THE CUMBERLAND PENCIL MUSEUM IN KESWICK. I’VE NOT BEEN, BUT IT GETS VERY GOOD REVIEWS.

THE BIG EXHIBIT AT THE MOMENT IS THE NEW SECRET WORLD WAR 2 PENCIL EXHIBIT.

“Through words, pictures and film the story is told how this fascinating group of people came together through adversity to manufacture and design a secret gadget pencil.’

WOW. AND, IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHETHER GOLF IS REPRESENTED WITHIN THE COLLECTION, I HAVE BAD NEWS. ALAS, ACCORDING TO PENCIL MUSEUM MANAGER ALEX FARTHING, QUOTE:

We have a set of colouring pencils in a 1930’s tin, which were used as diary pencils held to the diaries using silk ribbon, which are only 3-inches long. But we do not have any golf pencils.

MAYBE WE NEED TO TAKE UP A COLLECTION. SHOULD YOU GO, YOU’LL WANT TO LEAVE TIME TO VISIT THE GIFT SHOP. VOTED BY THE BBC AS THE UK’S TOP DESTINATION FOR ‘ODDEST DAY OUT,’ THE CUMBERLAND PENCIL MUSEUM.

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