That’s Golf! Feb. 9, 2014 – Joe Black edition

by Al Pastor

Arnold famously assisted by Joe Black - as Jimmy Demaret quipped - with Hawaii as his nearest drop.

Arnold famously assisted by Joe Black – as Jimmy Demaret quipped – with Hawaii as his nearest drop.

I’M NOT SURE HOW I’D REACT IF I SAW DIRTY HARRY MOVING TOWARDS ME. BUT IF HE DISLODGES A PIECE OF STUCK CHEESEY BIT CHOKING ME, I’M OKAY WITH HIM ADMINISTERING THE HEIMLICH. YOU COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP, COULD YOU? WELL DONE, CLINT EASTWOOD. . .

…AND THEN, DID YOU HEAR THE CRIME DOG – THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE CRIME FIGHTING MASCOT – GETS 16 YEARS. AND SUBWAY SANDWICHES WITH YOGA MAT INGREDIENTS. TASTY! YOU COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP. (I’LL RESERVE JUDGMENT ON OLYMPIC UNIFORMS. AND MAYBE YOU SAW JOHN DALY’S STARS & STRIPES TROUSERS. KID ROCK WAS WEARING THEM YESTERDAY. VERY POPULAR SELLERS, I’M SURE, IN HELLMAND PROVINCE OR TEHRAN.)

…LIVE FROM THE INSTITUTE OF NON-BRACKETOLOGICAL RESEARCH, IT’S THAT’S GOLF! NO ALGORITHMS, NO DATA MINING, NO CREEPY STUFFED OVER-SIZED MASCOTS, JUST MINDLESS CHATTER. ACTUALLY, I HOPE THE NSA IS LISTENING…IT COULD BOOST THE RATINGS.

YOUR HOST AND SHAG BOY, WORTH A MILLION IN PRIZES, BUT NOT ONE OF THE 1.23 BILLION ON FACEBOOK, AGAIN SAFELY ENTOMBED INSIDE THE SHAG-ENCRUSTED CONFINES. THINK OF ME OF THE ZONE’S “PROFESSOR DUMPSTER.”

THE PEBBLE BEACH APPETIZER EPISODE RECALLS A TIME-TESTED BIT OF ADVICE: ONE NEEDS TO BE WARY OF APPETIZERS. MY METHOD, I THINK IS SOUND, SO I’LL SHARE IT. I DON’T TYPICALLY GIVE ADVICE BUT …WHEN IT COMES TO APPETIZERS, IF YOU CAN’T RECOGNIZE WHAT’S IN IT, BEST NOT TO PUT IT IN YOUR MAW.

…WE’RE A PRESENTATION OF SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER. HERE’S A STORY FROM JOE BLACK’S BOOK, “A FEW GOOD GOLF STORIES.” THE PRO WILL JOIN US IN THE NEXT SEGMENT.

IT’S ENTITLED, “ARNOLD PALMER’S CLUBS.”

…WE PLAYED THE DALLAS OPEN AT OAK CLIFF WHERE I WAS A MEMBER. IF YOU KNOW ARNOLD PALMER, YOU KNOW HE HAS ALWAYS FIDDLED WITH HIS CLUBS. HE DID EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD WITH HIS GOLF CLUBS. HE WOULD REWIND THE GRIPS DURING THE PRACTICE ROUNDS AND BE IN THE BAG ROOM BEATING ON THEM WITH A HAMMER. HE WENT INTO THE BAG ROOM AT OAK CLIFF TO TINKER WITH HIS CLUBS AND HE SAW MY CLUBS IN THE BAG ROOM AND STARTED EXAMINING THEM. HE COULDN’T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF OF THEM. HE CAME TO ME AND SAID, “I’ve got to have your driver.”

ARNOLD WAS WITH WILSON AT THAT TIME AND I WAS PLAYING WILSON CLUBS. I HAD A DRIVER THAT JOE WOLF, WILSON’S TOUR REPRESENTATIVE, HAD MADE FOR ME. HE SAID “I’VE GOT TO HAVE IT.”

I SAID, “ARNOLD, YOU CAN’T CAN’T HAVE THAT DRIVER.”

THEN HE SAID, “I’VE GOT TO HAVE THAT DRIVER.”

AGAIN I TOLD HIM NO. THEN HE SAID, “LET ME USE IT THIS WEEK.”

SO HE USED IT THAT WEEK AND DROVE GREAT WITH IT. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO PUT IT BACK IN MY BAG AT THE END OF THE TOURNAMENT.

WELL, ARNOLD, GARY PLAYER AND I WERE GOING TO CHICAGO THE NEXT WEEK TO FILM A TELEVISION MATCH BETWEEN GARY AND ARNOLD. THEN ARNOLD SAID, “WHY DON’T YOU FLY UP THERE WITH ME ON MONDAY? SINCE THE MATCH ISN’T UNTIL FRIDAY WE CAN MESS AROUND AND PLAY GOLF AND GO OUT TO WILSON.”

I TOLD HIM NO, THAT I HAD BEEN GONE FROM HOME ALL SUMMER AND I WAS GOING TO STAY HOME AND WOULD BE IN CHICAGO ON THURSDAY. HE SAID OKAY.

SO I CALLED HIM ON THURSDAY WHEN I GOT IN AND HE SAID, “HEY, YOU’VE GOT TO COME OVER HERE AND SEE YOUR DRIVER!”

I SAID, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SEE MY DRIVER?”

HE SAID, “WELL, I BROUGHT IT WITH ME AND I TOOK IT OUT TO WILSON AND, BOY, IT’S REALLY GREAT NOW!”

SO I WENT OVER TO HIS ROOM AND HE TAKEN A WOOD RASP AND RASPED THE TOE RIGHT OFF MY DRIVER. HE HOOKED EVERYTHING SO HE DID THAT TO ALL HIS CLUBS. HE HAD JUST DESTROYED MY DRIVER. I WAS REALLY HOT.

HE WENT OUT THE NEXT DAY AND DROVE IT DREADFULLY. THEN HE TRIED TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME. I SAID NO, THAT HE HAD RUINED MY DRIVER AND THAT HE OWED ME. HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED AND I SAID I WANTED HIS BACK UP PUTTER. HE HAD THAT FAMOUS PUTTER THAT HE MADE BY WELDING A FLANGE ON THE BACK OF A TOMMY ARMOUR PUTTER. HE HAD TWO OF THEM. HE REFUSED, SAYING HE WOULD BE IN TROUBLE IF HE LOST HIS PUTTER.

WE WENT TO SEATTLE FROM THERE AND EVERY TIME I SAW HIM I ASKED HIM ABOUT MY PUTTER. NEXT, WE WENT TO PORTLAND FOR HIS LAST TOURNAMENT, AND EVERY TIME I SAW HIM I ASKED, “ARNIE, WHERE IS MY PUTTER?”

AT THE END OF THE TOURNAMENT I WAS STANDING NEAR THE SCOREBOARD WHEN HE FINISHED AND HE CAME OVER TO ME AND SAID, “COME OUT HERE!”

I WALKED OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT AND HE PULLED HIS IRONS OUT OF HIS BAG AND HANDED THEM TO ME AND SAID, “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER DAMN WORD FROM YOU ABOUT MY PUTTER!”

THOSE IRONS WERE THE ONES HE USED TO WIN FOURTEEN TOURNAMENTS INCLUDING THE MASTERS, THE BRITISH OPEN, AND THE OPEN – TOURNAMENTS THAT ENABLED ARNOLD TO SET THE ALL-TIME MONEY RECORD OF THAT TIME.

I STILL HAVE THEM.

Advertisements