That’s Golf! Feb. 4, 2014 Opening Segment

by Al Pastor

Not available on:  FACEBOOK, LINKED IN, TWITTER, TUMBLER, OK CUPID, PIN INTEREST, SNAP CHAT, J DATE, GOOGLE PLUS, INSTAGRAM, MY SPACE, CHILLER CREATURE THEATER, CENTRAL MARKET’S 10 MOST WANTED LIST OF BULK BIN GRAZERS, OR ON ANYTHING MORE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING THAN FRESH-SQUEEZED PINEAPPLE JUICE AND GINGER..

Not available on: FACEBOOK, LINKED IN, TWITTER, TUMBLR, OK CUPID, PIN INTEREST, SNAP CHAT, J DATE, GOOGLE PLUS, INSTAGRAM, MY SPACE, CHILLER CREATURE THEATER, CENTRAL MARKET’S 10 MOST WANTED LIST OF BULK BIN GRAZERS, OR ON ANYTHING MORE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING THAN FRESH-SQUEEZED PINEAPPLE JUICE AND GINGER..

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS. WE’LL GET STARTED. WE’RE PART OF A COMPLETE AND WELL-BALANCED WEEKEND SPORTS PROGRAMMING DIET, ESPECIALLY ON THIS PUPPY BOWL SUNDAY.

I HOPE THE GRILL WON’T SET OFF THE FIRE ALARM. WE’RE STARTING EARLY HERE IN THE STATELY SHAG-ENCRUSTED CONFINES.

YOU MAY BE WONDERING:

COULD LISTENING TO THAT’S GOLF SKY-ROCKET YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THE BEDROOM?

I WOULD SAY — PROBABLY – NOT. BUT SINCE THERE HAVEN’T BEEN ANY STUDIES TO THE CONTRARY, THE QUESTION STILL REMAINS.

THERE’S ALSO THE POSSIBILITY IT COULD CONCEIVABLY HELP RELIEVE THAT “PAINFUL BURNING AND ITCHING.” IT’S POSSIBLE.

COULD IT HELP YOU ON THE FIRST TEE? WELL, WE’D LIKE TO THINK SO. ESPECIALLY THE SEGMENT DEVOTED TO GAME IMPROVEMENT. AGAIN, THERE HAVE NOT BEEN ANY DEFINITIVE STUDIES.

BUT ANOTHER GREAT THING ABOUT GOLF: NO NOROVIRUS. AND RARELY DO THE WINNERS IN GOLF GET DRENCHED WITH COLORED, SUGARY, STICKY LIQUID.

IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING, YOU WILL RARELY HEAR ME BREAK INTO SONG. JOKES ARE INFREQUENT. AND I SIGNED A PLEDGE NOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY LAST ROUND.

WE DO, HOWEVER, DOGGEDLY TRACK DOWN AND VISIT WITH THOSE DOING INTERESTING THINGS IN GOLF. TODAY WILL BE NO EXCEPTION

WE ALSO INTENTIONALLY VEER AWAY FROM SOME OF THE MORE REGRETTABLE ASPECTS OF SPORTS TALK RADIO. I RARELY MAKE PREDICTIONS, OR SHOUT. NO LESS THAN BLACKIE SHERROD WROTE THAT: “SPORTS PREDICTIONS ARE THE LAST REFUGE OF DIMWITS.”

FRANKLY, THE LESS TALK ABOUT MONEY, THE BETTER. MY OWN BIAS IS AGAINST: “FIVE-SOMES,” “MULLIGANS,” OR “CARTS.” I ALSO THINK OLYMPIC GOLF IS A MISTAKE, A YAWNER, AND I’VE LONG ADVOCATED THAT SLOW PLAY SHOULD BE TREATED AS A CLASS C MISDEMEANOR.

SIMILAR PENALTIES WOULD, IN A PERFECT WORLD, BE LEVIED FOR SUCH OFFENSES AS TAKING MORE THAN ONE PRACTICE SWING, AND BRINGING A CELL PHONE ONTO THE GOLF COURSE…

WHEN IT’S GOING WELL THE HOUR PASSES QUICKLY. TRENT GIESEN IS THE LONG-SUFFERING PRODUCER. WITH A FACE MADE FOR RADIO, MY NAME IS JIM APFELBAUM. I HAVE NOT (YET) RENEWED BY GHIN HANDICAP. MY FAVORITE COURSE IS JASPER PARK IN THE CANADIAN ROCKIES. YOU CAN FIND ME IN FREQUENT BEAST MODE ON GOLFDIGRESS.COM.

YOU WON’T FIND ME, HOWEVER, ON: FACEBOOK, LINKED IN, TWITTER, TUMBLER, OK CUPID, PIN INTEREST, SNAP CHAT, J DATE, GOOGLE PLUS, INSTAGRAM, MY SPACE, CHILLER CREATURE THEATER, CENTRAL MARKET’S 10 MOST WANTED LIST OF BULK BIN GRAZERS, OR ON ANYTHING MORE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING THAN FRESH-SQUEEZED PINEAPPLE JUICE WITH GINGER…

WE’RE A PRESENTATION OF SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER. OUR SERMON TODAY COMES FROM AN INTERESTING BOOK, FROM IRELAND. “ONLY GOLF SPOKEN HERE” BY IVAN MORRIS IS DESCRIBED AS THE COLORFUL MEMORIES OF A PASSIONATE IRISH GOLFER. HE WAS ONCE A VERY GOOD AMATEUR PLAYER. AND, LIKE MANY OF HIS COUNTRYMEN, HAS A KEEN EYE AND AWARENESS FOR THE GAME.

HE RETELLS A STORY FROM BALLYBUNION, A PLACE OF MUCH LORE AND LEGEND.

THE FOLLOWING STORY CONCERNS ONE OF THE MORE COLORFUL MEMBERS, A MAN NAMED BILL HARNETT. IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

“ON ANOTHER OCCASION,” MORRIS WRITES, “HARNETT, WHO EARNED HIS LIVING AS A BANK OFFICIAL, WAS SELECTED TO REPRESENT HIS ORGANIZATION IN A KEENLY-CONTESTED INTERBANK MATCH. AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, BILL WAS DRAWN TO PLAY AGAINST AN OBVIOUSLY MUCH INFERIOR OPPONENT, WHO HAPPENED TO BE A BOARD DIRECTOR OF THE OPPOSING BANK. BEFORE SETTING OUT TO PLAY, BILL WAS APPROACHED BY HIS OWN TEAM CAPTAIN AND TOLD “TO GO EASY” ON HIS OPPONENT BECAUSE THE POOR FELLOW WAS ONLY FILLING IN AS A LAST-MINUTE REPLACEMENT AND WOULD BE OUT OF HIS DEPTH. AFTER SIX HOLES, THE CAPTAIN MET BILL, HEAD DOWN AND OBVIOUSLY CONCENTRATING HARD, STRIDING DETERMINEDLY TOWARD THE SEVENTH TEE.

“HOW ARE YOU GOING, BILL?”

“SIX UP.”

“DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO TAKE IT HANDY?

“BLANK OFF!”

GOING FROM THE NINTH GREEN TO THE TENTH TEE, THE TEAM CAPTAIN AND PLAYER MET YET AGAIN.

“HOW’S IT GOING NOW, BILL?

“NINE UP.”

“JAYSUS, BILL, DIDN’T I ASK YOU TO GO EASY? THAT MAN IS ONLY MAKING UP NUMBERS. AND BESIDES, HE IS A DIRECTOR!”

“BLANK OFF.!”

AT THE TENTH, BILL’S OPPONENT MADE A VALIANT EFFORT TO RESTORE SOME PRIDE, BUT HIS SHOT KICKED UNLUCKILY INTO THE CAVERNOUS BUNKER JUST OFF THE GREEN ON THE RIGHT. AS HE WAS GOING DOWN INTO THE BUNKER THE POOR MAN LOST HIS FOOTING AND FELL INTO THE SAND, GROUNDING HIS CLUB IN THE PROCESS. BILL RUSHED FORWARD – NOT TO THE MAN’S ASSISTANCE, BUT TO CLAIM THE HOLE AND MATCH! WHEN BILL’S TEAMMATES HEARD ABOUT THIS, THEY WERE DISGUSTED AND SHUNNED HIM IN THE CLUBHOUSE AFTERWARD. HE WAS LEFT TO EAT AND DRINK ALONE. AFTER A SUITABLE COOLING OFF PERIOD, SOMEBODY APPROACHED BILL, WHO, IT MUST BE SAID, WAS NORMALLY A MOST AFFABLE AND WARM PERSON.

“WHY DID YOU DO IT, BILL? WHAT DID THAT POOR MAN EVER DO TO YOU?”

“IT IS LIKE THIS,” REPLIED BILL. “THE SHAGGER HAD A BAG OF PEPPERMINTS THE WHOLE WAY ROUND AND HE NEVER OFFERED ME ONE!”

IVAN MORRIS, FROM “ONLY GOLF SPOKEN HERE,” COLORFUL MEMORIES OF A PASSIONATE IRISH GOLFER. (AT LEAST ONE.)

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