That’s Golf! Jan. 26, 2014

by Al Pastor

Will any of these gentlemen be wearing Vibram Five-Fingers with "abrasion-resistant Coconut active carbon?" I doubt it.

Will any of these gentlemen be wearing Vibram Five-Fingers with “abrasion-resistant Coconut active carbon?” I doubt it.

IT BEGAN AS A RUMOR. I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT AT FIRST, BUT I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. SOME MAY SEE IT AS YET ANOTHER SIGN OF THE ADVANCING APOCALYPSE. I DON’T KNOW. I’LL LEAVE THAT TO YOU.

YOU KNOW THOSE TOE-SHOES YOU SEE SOMETIMES ON RUNNERS? GET THIS: THEY’RE BEING ADAPTED TO GOLF, AND POSSIBLY COMING TO A GOLF COURSE NEAR YOU. I KID YOU NOT. GOLF TOE SHOES.

THIS FROM THE PRESS RELEASE: QUOTE:

“Built for the everyday wearer the Speed XC Lite helps keep it light and airy while continuing to give you traction when needed.”  A WHOLE LINE OF TOE-WIGGLY GOLF SHOES.

BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.

THE GREAT THING IS THAT SOME KNUCKLEHEAD COMPETITOR IS GOING TO WEAR THEM INSIDE THE GATES AT AUGUSTA NATIONAL DURING THE MASTERS. AND THE LATE CLIFFORD ROBERTS IS GOING TO RISE UP FROM HIS GRAVE TO ATTACK THE TOE-WIGGLING, FLORESCENT-WEARING FASHIONISTAS.

VIBRAM FIVE-FINGERS: “abrasion-resistant Coconut Active Carbon in the upper for natural breathability, 4mm EVA in the midsole for plating protection, and a lightly cleated Vibram® performance rubber outsole for extra traction on a variety of terrain.”

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

OH. DEAR.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DOWN! WITH NO FIST-PUMPS, ARM RAISING OR CHEST THUMPING. THE SHOW THAT’S NEVER BEEN FLAGGED FOR TAUNTING, IT’S THAT’S GOLF!

WE CALL THIS MEETING OF THE FAT SHOT AND OH NO SOCIETY TO ORDER. LET ME EXPLAIN. I KNOW IT’S EARLY. THE ENDEAVOR IS TO ENHANCE OUR COLLECTIVE APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING OF THE GAME BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SAME PEOPLE WHO GAVE US BAG PIPES… A PLEASANT GAME PLAYED IN PLEASANT PLACES, MOSTLY BY PLEASANT PEOPLE.

ONE REASON FOR ITS UNIVERSAL APPEAL: “GOLF,” WROTE HENRY LONGHURST, “IS IN ESSENCE THE SAME ALL OVER THE WORLD, HOWEVER MUCH COURSES AND SCENERY MAY DIFFER. THE GOLFER WHO MISSES A FOUR-FOOT PUTT AT ST. ANDREWS FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE MAN WHO DOES IT IN JAPAN OR NEW ZEALAND OR HAWAII.”

GOOD MORNING. YOUR GOLF AP, WRITER-FOR-HIRE AND BIKINI POKER DEALER BACK AGAIN WITH A VICARIOUS WELCOME. WE’RE LIVE, DEEP INSIDE THE SHAG-ENCRUSTED CONFINES.

TOPICS WE WON’T BE COVERING THIS MORNING: NICK SABAN, PLASTIC SURGERY HORROR STORIES, LATRELL SPREWELL, THE SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH AMENDMENTS, OR MR. MOSELY. WE WILL, HOWEVER, BRING YOU INSTRUCTION TIPS AND SAGE ADVICE AT GOLF WRITER PRICES.

ONE ASPECT OF MODERN GOLF, THE GOLF CAR CONTINUES TO EVOLVE. YOU’VE GOT YOUR DUESENBERG FRONT, ALL MANNER OF INNOVATIONS. I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF AIR BAGS ARE NEXT. SOME HAVE HEADLIGHTS AND USB PORTS. LATER I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT ONE MODELED ON A SURFBOARD. YOU LITERALLY CRUISE YOUR WAY AROUND. IT GOT A RARE ‘BEST IN SHOW’ AWARD THIS WEEK, SO IT’S NOT A SPOOF. REGARDING CONVENTIONAL CARS, HERE’S JUST A SAMPLING… A NEW MODEL FROM CLUB CAR, A LEADING MANUFACTURER: QUOTE:

The newest Precedent model comes standard with a 10.1-inch screen mounted in the car, enabling golfers to receive information such as weather alerts and other messages from the golf shop.  As part of the standard offering, courses will have access to information regarding the status of their cars’ batteries and service notifications. They also can pre-set messages to send to golf cars entering restricted areas. The 20-14 Precedent features a new, advanced electrical charging system. The system boasts an efficiency rating of 91 percent along with reliable sealed housing, intelligent charge monitoring and a USB connection that enables two-way data transfer about battery status and system updates.

DOES THAT HONESTLY ADVANCE THE GAME?? REALLY?

BOTH OF YOU MAY RECALL THAT I HARBOR STRONG OPINIONS ON THE SUBJECT OF GOLF CARS. I’M NOT HERE TO ARGUE. I CONCEDE THE BATTLE HAS BEEN LOST. THEY BLOT THE LANDSCAPE. WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE FOR THIS BRIGHT SUNDAY MORNING.

A PRESENTATION OF SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER, WE TURN TO A MUCH MORE RATIONAL VIEW OF THE “BUGGY.” THIS ALSO FROM HENRY LONGHURST AND HIS 1966 BOOK, ‘TALKING ABOUT GOLF.’

THE GREAT BRITISH OBSERVER AND BROADCASTER WROTE: “I THINK AMERICAN GOLFERS ARE MORE LIKELY TO LOSE THE USE OF THEIR LEGS THAN WE ARE, OR AT ANY RATE TO LOSE THEM FIRST. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE FACT THAT GREAT NUMBERS OF THEM HAVE ALREADY LOST THE USE OF THEIR LEGS AS FAR AS GOLF IS CONCERNED AND WOULD NO MORE WALK ROUND A COURSE THAN FLY.

“IN THE EARLY DAYS IT WAS THE CUSTOM OF THE GENTLEMAN GOLFER TO HAVE A CADDIE. THE CADDIES SEEM TO HAVE VARIED FROM BOTTLE-NOSED OLD CHARACTERS OF UNCERTAIN TEMPER – PARTICULARLY, I THINK IT MAY BE SUGGESTED WITHOUT OFFENCE, IN SCOTLAND – TO EAGER LITTLE BOYS AT SIXPENCE A ROUND, LIKE J.H. TAYLOR 80 YEARS AGO.

MANY OF THESE GOLFERS WOULD NOT THINK OF PLAYING WITHOUT A CADDIE. THEY WOULD RATHER NOT PLAY AT ALL. AS GOLF BAGS AND SETS OF CLUBS GOT BIGGER AND BIGGER AND CADDIES GOT FEWER AND FEWER AND MORE AND MORE EXPENSIVE, GOLFERS WHO WERE EITHER UNWILLING OR IN SO MANY CASES UNABLE, TO LUG AROUND THIS VAST MASS OF MAINLY UNNECESSARY EQUIPMENT WERE FACED WITH TWO CHOICES. THEY COULD EITHER LIMIT THEMSELVES IN THE NUMBER OF CLUBS THEY WERE CAPABLE OF USING – ANYTHING FROM FIVE TO TEN – AND CARRY THEM ROUND IN A DRAINPIPE BAG, OR HAUL THEM ROUND ON A SPECIAL PERAMBULATOR.

“FOR MYSELF,” HE CONTINUES, “I HAVE CHOSEN THE FORMER CHOICE. I CARRY NINE CLUBS AND AM IN THE PROCESS OF DESIGNING FOR THEM WHAT I HOPE WILL PROVE TO BE THE PERFECT DRAINPIPE CONTAINER. FRANKLY I NEVER THOUGHT TO SEE THE TROLLEY ‘CATCH ON’ BUT IT CERTAINLY HAS DONE AND I DO NOT LOOK DOWN MY NOSE AT THIS FORM OF TRANSPORT THOUGH NOTHING WOULD INDUCE ME TO USE IT MYSELF – QUITE APART FROM ITS TENDENCY TO SLOW DOWN A ROUND OF GOLF BY ANYTHING FROM TWENTY MINUTES TO HALF AN HOUR.

“I ADHERE TO MY ORIGINAL BELIEF THAT IT IS REALLY RATHER RIDICULOUS FOR ANY YOUNGISH ABLE-BODIED MAN TO PLAY GOLF FOR FRESH AIR AND EXERCISE AND THEN DELIBERATELY DO AWAY WITH THE EXERCISE BY RIDING ROUND THE COURSE IN A BUGGY. IN THE PAST MONTH, HOWEVER, I HAVE COME VERY MUCH ROUND TO THE POINT OF VIEW THAT THESE LITTLE CARTS MAY PROVE A REAL BLESSING TO ALL MANNER OF PEOPLE.”

HENRY LONGHURST, FROM TALKING ON GOLF.”

I THINK HE WAS 57 WHEN HE WROTE THOSE WORDS.

 

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