The Ghost of Tiddlers Past

by Al Pastor

"Can't you just smell the male performance enhancement?"

“Can’t you just smell the male performance enhancement?”

SCRIPT  THAT’S GOLF! 12.15.13 SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE, KVET-AM, AUSTIN, TX

THE SHOW WITHOUT ANY PLAYOFF OR BOWL IMPLICATIONS WHATSOEVER! CAN’T YOU JUST SMELL THE MALE PERFORMANCE ENCHANCEMENT? MAYBE THE STUDIO COULD USE SOME AIRING OUT…

WE’RE HERE AGAIN IN THE PALATIAL SHAG-ENCRUSTED CONFINES  SOUTH OF THE RIVER. THANKS TO BOTH OF YOU FOR TUNING IN.

BEFORE WE GET STARTED, YOU WILL HAVE HEARD THERE IS A PRESS CONFERENCE SCHEDULED TODAY FOR 1 P.M. WE WILL HAVE IT LIVE FOR YOU. COACH BROWN VERY MUCH WANTED TO COME ON THE SHOW, BUT I URGED HIM TO SCHEDULE A PRESS CONFERENCE FOR A MORE REASONABLE HOUR. THAT WAY HE COULD SLIP IN A DEW-SWEEPING ROUND EARLY, IF HE WANTED. AND HE AGREED THAT WOULD BE BEST. SO ONE O’CLOCK FOR MACK’S PRESS CONFERENCE. THERE IS STILL A FOOTBALL GAME TO BE PLAYED AGAINST A STRONG OREGON TEAM IN THE ALAMO BOWL.

Not true. The Rock is NOT under consideration for the head coaching position at Texas.

Not true. The Rock is NOT under consideration for the head coaching position at Texas.

I KNOW SEVERAL NAMES HAVE BEEN BANDIED ABOUT: NICK SABAN, KNUTE ROCKNE. NEITHER WILL BE APPEARING ON TODAY’S SHOW…

THE ENDEAVOR IS TO ENHANCE OUR APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING OF GOLF.

TYPICALLY, THIS TIME OF YEAR, PEOPLE REACH FOR TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY CLASSICS, LIKE DICKENS A CHRISTMAS CAROL, OR, PERHAPS RE-READ THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. OTHERS ARE NOSTALGIC FOR THE NORELCO SANTA, OR, PERHAPS, THAT WEIRD MONSTER ON THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS, ALONG WITH THE COMFORTING VOICE OF BURL IVES, OR LINUS MAKING HIS WAY THROUGH THE SNOWY NIGHT.

I HAVE TO SAY: THE GRINCH ALWAYS MADE ME VERY UNEASY AS A CHILD. HE STILL DOES.

BUT TO SHOW YOU HOW WEIRD I AM, AROUND THE HOLIDAYS I LIKE TO REACH FOR SOME OF MY FAVORITE GOLF TALES, THE KIND THAT MAKE YOU WONDER. MAKE YOU THINK.

SINCE WE’VE MOVED TO SUNDAY MORNINGS…THAT’S GOLF, A PRESENTATION OF SPORTSTALK AM 1300 THE ZONE AND YOUR AUSTIN AREA CHURCH OF THE INVETERATE DUFFER, WE TYPICALLY OPEN WITH A VERSE OF SUITABLE INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE. THIS MORNING, I’VE CHOSEN ONE OF MY FAVORITES, A SHORT REFLECTION FROM BOBBY JONES. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS. RATHER IT CONCERNS THE MATTER OF SHORT MISSED PUTTS…JUST THE SORT OF THING THAT MIGHT KEEP OLD EBENEEZER UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, PERHAPS VISITED BY THE GHOST OF TIDDLERS PAST.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER YABBERING, WE TURN TO BOB JONES FOR A LITTLE REMEMBERED MOMENT OF TERROR.

LONG AGO I LEARNED THAT NO PUTT IS SHORT ENOUGH TO TAKE FOR GRANTED,” HE WROTE IN A NEWSPAPER COLUMN, ENTITLED ‘SHORT PUTTS.’ “I HAVE LONG SINCE RECOGNIZED THE FOLLY OF ONE-HANDED, BACKHANDED, AND ALL OTHER KINDS OF DISGUSTED EFFORTS. WHEN IT MATTERED AT ALL WHETHER OR NOT THE NEXT STROKE WENT IN, NO MATTER HOW SHORT THE PUTT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, IT RECEIVED FROM ME AS CLOSE ATTENTION AS I WAS ABLE TO GIVE. I ALWAYS TOOK A STANCE AND ADDRESS, EVEN WHEN THE BALL WAS LYING AT THE VERY EDGE OF THE HOLE.

“I SHALL NEVER FORGET MY FEELING AS I PREPARED TO HOLE MY LAST PUTT AT SCIOTO, IN COLUMBUS, OHIO, TO WIN THE UNITED STATES OPEN IN 1926. THE THING COULD NOT HAVE BEEN OVER THREE INCHES IN LENGTH. YET, AS I STEPPED UP TO TAP IT IN, THE WILDEST THOUGHT STRUCK ME, “WHAT IF I SHOULD STUB MY PUTTER INTO THE TURF AND FAIL TO MOVE THE BALL?” I VERY CAREFULLY ADDRESSED THE PUTT WITH MY PUTTER BLADE OFF THE TURF AND HALF-TOPPED THE BALL INTO THE HOLE. SOUNDS A BIT PSYCHO, DOESN’T IT? BUT GOLFERS CAN GET THAT WAY.”

…FROM A NIGHTMARE BEFORE THE U.S. OPEN….NO, THAT’S FROM BOBBY JONES ON GOLF, A COLLECTION THAT JUST GETS BETTER WITH EACH SUCCESSIVE READING, LIKE SO MANY CLASSIC HOLIDAY FAVORITES.

Advertisements