Chalk Talk

by Al Pastor


News item: “FAMU received a $900,000 guarantee for the shellacking.” The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 9/22/13

Ohio State 76  Florida A&M 0.

Transcript excerpt featuring comments of the head of University Football Operational Management Services (UFOMS) discussing the upcoming contest between the athlete-students of your perennial college football powerhouse and the recent quality opponent from The Southeastern San Felipe Falls State A & R:

Hell, yes, we’re looking past this [expletive deleted] week. This one’s hardly worth the breath. Bet the house. Do they even have a [expletive deleted] mascot? Look:  when coaches go on about they can’t focus on anything but this week’s game, and this and that, they’re just blowing [expletive deleted] smoke, right?

And what’s this about fundamentals? Listen to me: fundamentals are [expletive deleted] overrated. There isn’t time for all that. These boys aren’t much for learning. I’ve told our team to stop with that [expletive deleted]. Work on style, individuality, personality. Improve the sack dance. Play to the crowd. Stand out. That gets eyeballs. Show the fans something. . . when they make a first down, gain a couple of yards, of course, especially when they score, or send out some idiotic message on social media. Taunting’s healthy – lets out aggression. I wasn’t hired to teach no fundamentals. What we want is highlights. I tell them: go to the BBQs, go to the parties, the bars, the strip clubs. Let the fans see you. Enjoy your college experience. Interact, sell jerseys, represent your school.

Here’s the deal: for us to do anything around here, the fans and boosters are going to have to step up and make it [expletive deleted] rain. Like they’re doing it at these other schools. There’s no magic about it. Either they get it done or we end up going to some bowl no one’s ever [expletive deleted] heard of, and I just go fishing. Hey, aren’t ya’ll going to ask me about our penetration? That’s a joke you tight [expletive deleted].